i
like a rat
conditioned by a
bell
i hear the word
cancer & i
sweat,
my mind locks
in a fetal position &
my tongue
swells.
why is this
so?
one day i feel
fine then that
WORD & my skin
puckers like an eviserated
chicken.
i’ve learned to be
afraid.
i’ve got the basic
message:
death is
horrifying & cancer
means death.
this WORD
closes the
heart.
ignites
the urge to
run away from my
body &
hide.
ii
i caught this
disease of the blood
from nasty chemicals or a terrorist
gene.
i stoke this
disease of the mind
with every page of news
print i cast my eyes
upon;
with every bill
board; with every
sermon; with every published
photograph––
fear death!
yet somehow i
know that death
breathes as
effortlessly as the
sky;
that dying is an
elaborate game of
angels, gods &
devils;
that my end is
just another
beginning.
be calm.
believe.
believe in the
hands that
cure
but more in the
body that yearns to
heal & the
soul
that craves to
go on.
manifest
the spirit in your
heart.
iii
it’s easy to say “let
go of fear”
metastasized
throughout the
brain.
i’m blighted with
cancer, but i’m sick with
fear.
if a roshi can
leap from life beyond
dream; if a shaman can be
devoured by a dragon &
come back
drumming––
i will escape this
dying by deadly
fear.
i want every
cell of my earthly
form to be at
peace; i want my soul to
flow; but my
spirit to burn like a
pillar of
fire.
& if old
death comes
bopping over my
horizon,
i want to have the
peace of heart
to rise up & honor
him.